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Humor about diets, dieting, weight loss

Holiday Diet

 

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:

  • 1/2 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast
  • 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
  • 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
  • 1 cup steamed spinach
  • 1 cup herb tea
  • 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
  • The rest of Oreos in the package
  • 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
  • 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
  • 2 loaves garlic bread
  • 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
  • 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
  • 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
  • Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

  • When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

  • Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

  • If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.

  • Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.

  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

  • Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

  • Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

  • Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS


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