|| Dear Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are
still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I can fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size
bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I
will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of other cats
sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years -- feline
attendance is not mandatory or helpful.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other cats' back end.
I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like
to Complain About Our Pets:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks
on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
- Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need
a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant
because they've been "fixed."