Humor about animals
Dogs

I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not eat my own vomit.

I will not eat "kitty box crunchies".

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.

I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.

I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.