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 Because
I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service
until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because
I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
Because
I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because
I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything
for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because
I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because
I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).
Because
I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because
I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or baseball, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because
I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really
have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it
gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have
to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to
have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't
understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like,
what's the connection?
Because
I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because
I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen
or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single
time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek
the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone
visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
Because
I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because
I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally
in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening,
the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FOR WOMEN,
TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THE MALE ANIMAL.
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