Humor about the funny things in life

Handy Tips for Life

	DIET TIP:	Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
	FINANCE TIP:	Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
	FINANCE TIP:	Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
	HOUSEHOLD TIP:	Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
	HOUSEHOLD TIP:	Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	During rush hour, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
	INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:	When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!"
	PARKING TICKETS:	Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
	PERSONAL HYGEINE:	No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
	SAFETY TIP:	Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
	TRAVELING TIP:	Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.
	TRAVELING TIP:	When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.