Humor about health, medicine, doctors

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is
so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
itself."


"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the
Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."


"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending any more time with you."


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another
office visit."


"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."


"Hmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)


"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and
the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured."


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."


"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig."


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go
away by itself."


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."


"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."


"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all
symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."


"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one."


"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a
psychiatrist who will split fees.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week.