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|Brain Candy Celebrity Insults Collection|
witty quips, creative insults, cunning cut downs
clever celebrity sarcastic comments and quotes
|Excellent put-downs||Insults about nationality||Insults about appearance|
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|Insults about personality||Miscellaneous curmudgeonly comments|
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other
words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage.
To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is
a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us
all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar
chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's
more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a
lifetime of bad character.
You slam a politician, you make out he's the devil, with horns
and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses.
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling
invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the
sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make
up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their
spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.
Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun,
the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating
dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been
let in on the invention of the motor car.
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France
all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and
in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the
best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the
police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense
force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers,
the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish
are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while
all the scum floats to the top.
Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried
Americans are possibly the dumbest people on the planet. ...We
Americans suffer from an enforced ignorance. We don't know about
anything that's happening outside our country. Our stupidity is
Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with
ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or
any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.
America is one long expectoration.
America knows nothing of food, love, or art.
I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the
behavior of the American society reveals that it's half judaized,
and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like
that to hold together?
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make
it into TV shows.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those
three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of
conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.
Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money
Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but
it had always been hushed up.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive.
I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people
so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
The Mexicans descend from the Aztecs; the Peruvians descend from
the Incas; the Argentineans descend from the boats.
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators
I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having
seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold.
Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more
dangerous than the sex.
England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws
of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays.
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of
a wet sleeve.
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't
trust an Englishman in the dark.
The English think soap is civilization.
The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of
a broken heart.
There is one thing on earth more terrible than English music, and
that is English painting.
The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese
that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own
children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try
to speak to them in their own wimpy language.
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear
the toilet paper.
German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like
someone using a sick bag on a 747.
Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.
The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with
a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman
of the age of thirty.
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius,
but with absolutely no talent.
The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable
In Russia a man is called reactionary if he objects to having his
property stolen and his wife and children murdered.
Russians will consume marinated mushrooms and vodka, salted herring
and vodka, smoked salmon and vodka, salami and vodka, caviar on
brown bread and vodka, pickled cucumbers and vodka, cold tongue
and vodka, red beet salad and vodka, scallions and vodka-anything
and everything and vodka.
Scotland: A land of meanness, sophistry and lust.
Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England
- that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulfur.
The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.
A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before
you drench it with DDT.
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in
for a career of its own.
He strains his conversation through a cigar.
He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather
young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had
been aged by trouble.
He's a trellis for varicose veins.
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
He'd make a lovely corpse.
Her face was her chaperone.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac
arrest in a yak.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will
look ridiculous year after year.
Her only flair is in her nostrils.
Her skin was white as leprosy.
His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with
gall; his tongue drips poison.
His face was filled with broken commandments.
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth,
and has white spots on her yellow skin.
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.
She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed,
I feel sorry - for the clothes.
While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you
take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred
cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight.
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.
A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs.
It is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the
rest of her body.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are
fatter than she is.
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as
mediocre as possible.
A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
End of season sale at the cerebral department.
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots.
He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea.
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly
to a political career.
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let
that fool you. He really is an idiot.
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to
be in style.
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.
He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support,
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and
that was wrong.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely
a hole in it anywhere.
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck.
Little things affect little minds.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute
She is a water bug on the surface of life.
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.
Stay with me; I want to be alone.
Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic
life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able
to avoid meeting.
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
Useless as a pulled tooth.
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of
his own verbosity.
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled
to the utterly bewildered.
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone
to look up to.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions
- the curtain was up.
I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes
all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money's
If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end
to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
If there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the
whoredom of my peers.
In the United States today, we have more than our share of the
nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club
- the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.
Jazz: Music invented for the torture of imbeciles.
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed
him with the ability to write.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member
of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time
The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some
flaw of character.
This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should
be hurled with great force.
This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away
a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good overarm action, will
bring a water buffalo to its knees.
What is art? Prostitution.
Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty.
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible
voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
A dork is a dork is a dork.
Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep.
Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he
looks at you like a whipped dog.
Failure has gone to his head.
God was bored by him.
Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for
He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
He had delusions of adequacy.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.
He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines
and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
He is as good as his word - and his word is no good.
He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one
measle at a time.
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.
He makes a July's day short as December.
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked
like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.
He was as great as a man can be without morality.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the
gift of the power to use them.
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind
him in both eyes.
He was trying to save both his faces.
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram
on his tombstone.
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would
be beating a dead horse.
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think
he's a dirty little beast.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much
the same class of people.
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances
into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
She never was really charming till she died.
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast
stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the
white cliffs of the obvious.
She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of
oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.
She should get a divorce and settle down.
She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with
nothing but peanuts and filberts.
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
She's been on more laps than a napkin.
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong
She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the
others by their hunted expression.
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some
men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no"
in any of them.
The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
The perfection of rottenness.
The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation
but not the power of speech.
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
You are so pure in mind and heart,
You had to stand in line to hate him.
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your
hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave
in a Y-shaped coffin.
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at
the same time.
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods.
As entertaining as watching a potato bake.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
He's completely unspoiled by failure.
He's liked, but he's not well liked.
Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought
I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no
other provisions in sight.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
I never liked him and I always will.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
I thought men like that shot themselves.
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing
rocks at the stork.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
Lacks thrills, narrative, emotion, believability, character development,
and, frankly, watchability.
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.
She's good, being gone.
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect
it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big
final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still
no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?
The gods too are fond of a joke.
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on
the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly,
slowly in the wind.
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You have delighted us long enough.
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
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