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insults about famous women

clever celebrity sarcastic comments about famous women
excellent curmudgeonly quotations

Insults about Athletes Face to Face Confrontations Insults about Actresses
Insults about Writers Excellent Put-downs Insults about Politicians
Insults about Musicians Insults about Comics Miscellaneous Insults

 

 

Excellent put-downs about famous women

She was incredibly ugly, uglier than almost anyone I had ever met. A thin, withered creature, she sat hunched in her chair, in her heavy tweed suit and her thick lisle stockings, impregnable and indifferent. She had a huge nose, a dark mustache, and her dark-dyed hair was combed into absurd bangs over her forehead.
- - - Otto Friedrich (about Alice B. Toklas)

Face to face confrontations between famous women

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
- - - Walter Matthau (to Barbra Streisand)

I loathe you. You revolt me stewing in your consumption . . . you are a loathsome reptile - I hope you die.
- - - D. H. Lawrence (to Katherine Mansfield)

Insults about famous actresses

Zsa Zsa Gabor

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
- - - Bob Hope

Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- - - Henny Youngman

Katherine Hepburn

She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
- - - Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)

She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
- - - Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)

Marilyn Monroe

Her body has gone to her head.
- - - Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)

She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- - - Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)

She's a vacuum with nipples.
- - - Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)

Elizabeth Taylor

Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket.
- - - Mr. Blackwell

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- - - Joan Rivers

Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
- - - Michael Todd (about Elizabeth Taylor)

Other Actresses

Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel.
- - - Henry Allen (about Lauren Bacall, 1994)

A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- - - Mr. Blackwell (about Brigitte Bardot, 1962)

She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.
- - - Camille Paglia (about Drew Barrymore)

She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- - - John Gielgud (about Ingrid Bergman)

A great actress, from the waist down.
- - - Dame Margaret Kendal (about Sarah Bernhardt)

She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
- - - Louella Parsons (about Joan Collins)

Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder.
- - - Bette Davis (about Joan Crawford)

A kind of cross between Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson.
- - - Jeremy Novick (about Lolita Davidovich, Modern Review, 1994)

She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines. - - - Joan Rivers (about Bo Derek)

A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it.
- - - George Bernard Shaw (about Isadora Duncan)

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- - - David Shipman (about Marlene Dietrich)

The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- - - John Simon (about Shelley Duvall)

Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
- - - Ava Gardner (about Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra)

Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair.
- - - Tom Shales (about Farrah Fawcett)

Jane Fonda coming back to the screen after a decade-and-a-half absence in Monster-in-Law is like Brando returning from the dead to star in a Police Academy movie.
- - - Michael Sragow

Purists, be warned: This scare-flick quickie [House of Wax] has as much relation to the 1953 Vincent Price classic with the same title as Paris Hilton does to acting.
- - - Peter Travers

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- - - Bette Davis (about Jayne Mansfield)

Miss United Dairies herself.
- - - David Niven (about Jayne Mansfield)

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- - - Robin Williams

It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs.
- - - Katherine Hepburn (about Sharon Stone)

Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it.
- - - Bosley Crowther (about Loretta Young)

Insults about famous athletes

Martina was so far in the closet she was in danger of being a garment bag.
- - - Rita Mae Brown (about Martina Navratilova)

Insults about famous comics

Roseanne Barr is a bowling ball looking for an alley.
- - - Mr. Blackwell

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
- - - Johnny Carson

She is as much fun as barbed wire.
- - -Tom Hutchinson (about Sandra Bernhard)

I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Phyllis Diller)

When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
- - - Stewart Klein

Insults about famous musicians

Madonna

Armed with a wiggle and a Minnie Mouse squawk, she is coarse and charmless.
- - - Sheila Johnson (about Madonna, 1987)

I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it. That's all I have to say about Schmadonna.
- - - Sandra Bernhard (about Madonna)

Not in this lifetime. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to.
- - - Sharon Stone (when told Madonna has said she wants to kiss her)

She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.
- - - Morrissey (about Madonna, 1986)

She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
- - - Joan Rivers (about Madonna)

Other Musicians

Mariah the fashion pariah ... the queen of catastrophic kitsch
- - - Mr Blackwell (about Mariah Carey)

I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
- - - Joan Crawford (about Judy Garland)

She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.
- - - Bette Midler (about Helen Reddy)

A cross between an aardvark and an albino rat.
- - - John Simon (about Barbra Streisand)

All legs and hair with a mouth that could swallow the whole stadium and the hot-dog stand.
- - - Laura Lee Davies (about Tina Turner)

Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed.
- - - Ralph Novak (about Yoko Ono)

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- - - Joan Rivers (about Yoko Ono)

Insults about famous politicians

A senescent bimbo with a lust for home furnishings.
- - - Barbara Ehrenreich (about Nancy Reagan)

Attila the Hen.
- - - Clement Freud (about Margaret Thatcher)

Nowadays a parlor maid as ignorant as Queen Victoria was when she came to the throne would be classed as mentally defective.
- - - George Bernard Shaw (about Queen Victoria)

In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a petrified parakeet from the Jurassic age. A royal wreck
- - - Mr. Blackwell (about Camilla Parker-Bowles)

Insults about famous writers

She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen.
- - - Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)

A fungus of pendulous shape.
- - - Alice James (about George Eliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans)

George Eliot has the heart of Sappho; but the face, with the long proboscis, the protruding teeth of the Apocalyptic horse, betrayed animality.
- - - George Meredith (about George Eliot, pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans)

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."
- - - Mary McCarthy (about Lillian Hellman)

She bellies up to the gourmet cracker-barrel and delivers laid-back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work.
- - - Florence King (about Molly Ivins)

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar.
- - - John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Isn't she a poisonous thing of a woman, lying, concealing, flipping, plagiarizing, misquoting, and being as clever a crooked literary publicist as ever.
- - - Dylan Thomas (about Dame Edith Sitwell)

I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
- - - Noel Coward (about Dame Edith Sitwell)

In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear.
- - - Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
- - - Clifton Fadiman (about Gertrude Stein)

Virginia Woolf's writing is no more than glamorous knitting. I believe she must have a pattern somewhere.
- - - Dame Edith Sitwell (about Virginia Woolf)

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
- - - Julie Andrews (about columnist Joyce Haber)

 

Insults about miscellaneous notable women

She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent.
- - - Bette Davis (about Theda Bara)

She looks like something that would eat its young.
- - - Dorothy Parker (about Dame Edith Evans)

She is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, has a figure like a Jurassic monster . . . very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else.
- - - Sir Nicholas Fairbairn (about Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York)

Timid? As timid as a buzz saw
- - - George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

She must use Novocain lipstick.
- - - Jack Paar (about Dorothy Kilgallen)

Monica Lewinsky has agreed to host a new Fox reality show called Mr. Personality. Lewinsky says this way, when people ask her the most degrading thing she's ever done, she'll have a new answer.
- - - Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live

No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment.
- - - Clifton Fadiman (about Clare Booth Luce)

She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs.
- - - Nancy Mitford (about Princess Margaret, 1959)

She's about as feminine as a sidewalk drill.
- - - Maryon Allen (about Phyllis Schlafly

 

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