A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held
on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion
in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions;
it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't
you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given
you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other
people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you.
Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass
is on vacation?
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd
had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you
want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then
again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be
let out alone.
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Don't you realize that there are enough people to
hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted
to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and
all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only
take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people --
they're a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind
his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind
it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside,
he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.
He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last
one to know.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
~ Bill Dana ~
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint
to build an idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife. What
a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked,
and only gets plowed around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they
serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.
Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back
He's got that far away look. The farther he gets,
the better he looks.
He's just visiting this planet.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense that light bends around him.
He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch
He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper
and dangle his feet.
He's the first in his family born without a tail.
He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could
He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.
Hey, act your age -- senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for
10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped
or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under
his family tree.
His personality's split so many ways he goes alone
for group therapy.
His suitcase doesn't have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage
How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see
you are not worth it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could
only respect you if you WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that
you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across
the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak
I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will
you be in ten years?
I certainly hope you are sterile.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I
take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something
a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm
sure everyone will agree with me.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't
mind that I'm not listening.
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion
against thousands of others?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but
I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club
cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department
-- by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give
that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected
I heard you went to have your head examined but the
doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to
take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him
not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck.
Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very
little of that!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't
count that high.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence
you wouldn't get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only
gives me displeasure.
I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!
I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you
I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but
you have to do your part.
I'd like to have the spitting concession his grave.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm
not sure you have a place to put it!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but
I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial
is on TV.
I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night
I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare three
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours
because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for,
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello,
I'd say boo!
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.
If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your
If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't
be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically
If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get
If you had another brain like the one you've got,
you'd still be a half-wit.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although
I'll keep trying.
I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education
get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head
I'm not as dumb as you look.
In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.
Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you
It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde
hair by dying your roots black.
You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is
make people hate you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your
body is ugly too.
It's hard to get the big picture when you have such
a small screen.
I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive
than you are.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation,
but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't
hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be
Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist;
I know you've got a palm.
Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy,
if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were
sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone
who gives a damn.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing!
After all, you have inferiority!
People clap when they see you - their hands over their
eyes or ears.
People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone
that I know of.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that
you are not perfect but you are doing all right.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice,
but her face.
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid across
She's got a body that won't quit and a brain that
She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone
She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run
for the border.
She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her
lap so the dog would play with her.
She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a
long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds because
they have nothing to lose.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right train.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I
stuck up for the pigs.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I
stuck up for you and said, 'oh yes she is.'
Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn
out. You could be seen too clearly.
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little
early for Halloween?
Talk is cheap, but so are you.
That's a very meaty question and I'd like to give
it a very meaty answer -baloney!
The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is
a slight drizzle.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
The next time you shave, could you stand a little
closer to the razor?
The only thing he brought to this job was his car.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated
by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone
might hate me as much as I loathe you.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining
between his ears.
The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.
There are only two things I dislike about her - her
There are several people in this world that I find
obnoxious and you are all of them.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that
goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
They said you were a great asset. I told them they
were off by two letters.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone
who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially
if it's between your ears!
They say that travel broadens one. You must have been
around the world.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your
case, one would have been better than none.
They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your
mother gave birth to you.
They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't
miss a tree.
Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from "Lost
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never
pick on an unarmed man.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far
We do not complain about your shortcomings but about
your long stayings.
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks
sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
We know that you would give your life for us. Promises,
We know that you would go to the end of the world
for us. But would you stay there?
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
What color is the sky in your world?
What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes
up for in stupidity.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out
the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.
What's the latest dope - besides you?
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth,
you were holding an umbrella.
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll
probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before
When you die, you should have your brain donated to
science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every
branch on the way down.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause
of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.
When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone
to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
When you were born, God admitted that even He could
make a mistake!
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your
With a mind like yours, who needs a body?
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with
Would you like to replace my business partner who
died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life
in the gutter?
You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad
shape the world is in.
You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.
You are living proof that manure can grow legs and
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that
what you tell me are lies!
You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three
times for jaywalking when all the time you were just standing on
the corner waiting for the light to change.
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car
You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a
carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is. (Thanks, Erin and
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets
you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better,
one hates you.
You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for
You don't sweat much, for a fat girl.
You grow on people - like a wart!
You have a face only a mother could love - and she
You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like
to throw you down one.
You have a speech impediment ... your foot.
You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times
were you struck there?
You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is
always in your mouth!
You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be
as stupid as you in one lifetime.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think
they're your equals.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually
You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.
You say that you are always bright and early. Well
OK, we know you are early.
You should be the poster child for birth control.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look
terrible in the light.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's
all they're good for.
You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are
just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in
abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed
that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It
makes me sick!
Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.
Your family tree is good but you are the sap.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
You're acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever
You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without
the "savant" part.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone
to adopt you.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement
You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.
You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.
You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain
claimed you as the New World.
You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people
You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!
You're so old you drove a chariot to school.
You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to
watch "Sixty Minutes."
You're so small, you pose for trophies.
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and
You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular
You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they
offered you a job.
You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.
You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.
You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.
You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere
he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.
You're so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE
runs for the border!
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew
your food twice.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been