short jokes
one-liners
question and answer jokes

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What does a laywer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.